Friendships & Relationships

Reflections on Life

2008-03-17T15:16:00.004Z

How is it we can use up 300 texts in a month, but rarely speak to others?

How come we spend more time on our mobile 'phone than talking to our family?

Why can we not sit and listen to others without texting, listening to our iPod or listening to music?

I think the answers may be fairly simple ...

we've lost the ability to interact with others because we spend so much time in our own little world
our current relationships with others have been shaped by damaged relationships from the past
we're afraid of rejection or perhaps we've simply never experienced the fulfilment of a meaningful relationship

Listening to the radio recently I heard someone say on a 'phone-in, "Sex isn't about relationship any more; it's about enjoyment."

Hello! If sex isn't about relationship then can we find a tree and get the same enjoyment? If we can then surely we've missed the point.

Do we want pleasure and benefits without commitment, responsibility or effort? ... swipe the card in the slot and out pops a commodity, complete and ready for consumption.

Sadly, the people who live this way also seem to die the same way ... alone.

Humans are separated from other species through the possession of emotions and need for relationships. Take those away, and we create a vacuum which draws just about anything else in, except what we need. Rather like a jigsaw with a piece missing; we try every piece we can except the one designed to fit in the space. No matter how 'almost complete' the picture is, it never is fully complete.

Relationships are a bit like a dynamo ... the more effort we put in, the more we get out. However, better than that, they are like pairing up horses ... one shire horse can pull a 1 ton load whilst two shire horses can pull 7 tons ... the size of the outcome is greater than the sum of the individual parts.

So are we prepared to put up with incomplete jigsaws, or are we prepared to develop friendships and relationships, despite potential risks and costs to us, so that we can enjoy a quality of existence beyond what we can imagine.

C'est la vie ... or ... J'aime la vie?

Family Traits by Debra Dando

2008-02-16T16:14:00.002Z

My father thought outside the box,
Pursuing varied ventures,
If he had had more business sense,
He could have gained such treasures!

My mother had no confidence -
Often worrying about opinion,
She did what others thought was best,
Even in her own dominion.

My uncle was an artist,
He lived a merry life,
He never had much money
And never took a wife.

My husband is a pessimist
And often wears a frown,
He always anticipates the worst
And sometimes gets me down.

My daughter is a realist
And strives hard to achieve,
I hope, one day, she'll reach her goals
And happiness conceive.

Me? - the eternal optimist-
I see the good in all,
I do not follow passing trends,
Poetry and nature hold my soul.

Our Parents - Experts or Trainees?

2008-01-04T07:32:00.001Z

I often think back to my relationships with my parents, how they changed over the years and how different experiences molded and shaped my perceptions and memories.

At one time my dad could do no wrong; until he accidentally hit my thumb with a hammer when I was helping him do a job in the garage.

Mum? She was a true master of the kitchen, turning out wonderful cakes and biscuits, often taken for granted, but sorely missed when she was no longer well enough to do her own cooking ... and finally no longer with us.

I often look back over these often turbulent times and remember that through it all they were my mum and dad; making mistakes, as I now do with my own children; trying to be this thing called a parent without any formal training other than 'on the job'.

Although, they were flawed, like I am flawed, I somehow saw beyond their failings and looked-up to them just because they were mum and dad. I often wish that I could look through my own mistakes and the mistakes of others and love the person underneath; warts and all.

I recently received a poem from a lady who obviously experienced similar tensions, trials and no doubt, exasperation with her father ... but beneath, he was still 'dad' and she still loved him for who he was in spite of what he did. Enjoy ...

To My Late Dad

Oh dad you would still not be too old
to debate and triumph in this world!
To still play host, mentor and guide
- you should still be here at our side.
Elders thought sons would live on
- so devastated now you're both gone.
A whole life's story you have missed,
a generation never held or kissed!
Your doctor warned you well I think
of over-indulgence in food and drink
But no, you failed to take advice
even when threatened once or twice.
Cutting back, you said, no option
rich food, fine wine intoxication.
Life so full of such temptations
would not submit to deprivations.
But dad, you would still not be too old
to be loved and cherished in this world.

Copyright © December 2007 Debra Dando

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

2008-01-03T09:16:00.001Z

'Oh! I've known you for ages. I don't think it's my job to tell you when you've done something well ... just when you need to improve'

So ended a conversation with someone I'd known for years ... and it hurt ... and it set me thinking!

I see many people, especially young people/young adults with a desperate need to be affirmed, noticed, respected (in the true sense) and encouraged. They have many 'friends' whom they have known for a long time, but somehow the familiarity has also put scales on the eyes of friends, so that they no longer encourage or feed positives into their life ... only a destructive neutrality.

And yet I am just as guilty as my friend for either prejudging (appearance, comments from other people etc) or just looking for things I can improve in them, whilst missing the core values and reasons why they are my friend in the first place. What should be a relationship becomes a monologue: I forget their needs and aim to fulfil my wants.

I remember friends at school who were devastated when they had tried their hardest and yet weren't quite good enough because the standard of their work didn't compare to the standard of work submitted by other members of the class. Rather than being helped and encouraged, they were targetted by teachers and fellow pupils; they were the butt end of jokes; they were labelled 'thick', 'stupid', 'dunces' (and worse) ... and I was right there with the crowd taunting them!!

What effect did this have on the individuals concerned?

They responded in a number of ways. They became:

Discouraged ... they perceived themselves as not good enough.
Demotivated ... their enthusiasm and interest declined and not surprisingly, their marks got worse
Disillusioned ... long-term, some of my friends gave up in that subject
Some became Disenfranchised from the education system ... they continually got into trouble with teachers, pupils and in some cases the law, and very sadly, some lost hope.

But thankfully, some became very successful people, running their own business and enjoying life.

So what happened to buck the trend?

In most cases there was either an individual who took interest in them, coached and encouraged them, hung in there and made a difference. In other cases the inner drive of these people to prove to themselves that they had value and could succeed was so strong that they drove themselves to achieve what they had been told could never happen.

I hear sad stories about people like Robbie Williams and Mick Hucknall, two high profile, talented personalities in the music world who were told by teachers at school, 'You will never amount to anything.' Ouch! Wouldn't it have been so much better if their talents had been spotted, encouraged and nurtured so that they could reach and enjoy their success without so many hangups and low self image.

As we look to cultivate relationships with others we should 'earn the right' to their friendship by building trust and demonstrating that we are worth having as a friend. And once we have built these friendships and relationships, it is the responsibility of each of us to accentuate the positive rather than highlight the negative or, equally as destructive, make no comment at all.

I believe that by applying these principles to our relationships, in all areas of life, we will benefit, our friends will benefit and those around us will benefit.

Hot Air Balloons

2008-01-02T18:50:00.001Z

One of the joys of running the Friendship is a Verb website is that visitors occasionally send me their poems (along with a load of spammers that send me all sorts of unrepeatable offers!!).

It is my intention to publish these poems on this blog rather than the website so that you can all enjoy them and pass on your own comments and encouragement.

Here is a poem I received today from Debra Dando. Enjoy ...

Hot Air Balloon Invasion

The hound will not abate his incessant woof
but summons me urgently outside to look.
A balloon glides by
in the perfect blue summer sky.
Brightly coloured it cheers the air,
sailing over the village - I simply stand and stare.
Its calmness and serenity I admire, as this stately visitor ascends higher
and passes reverently over the old church spire.

Next door’s feline declines to stir,
basking on her terrace with sun-warmed fur.
Even birds in the bushes ignore the fiery whooshes
as the balloon floats regally by.

The herd on the hill do not panic or stampede,
the sheep continue grazing down in the mead
But the hound lies not still -
he protects his territory with great earnest until
The invading sphere clears his space;
he's completely untouched by its grace.
Though vigilant and brave 'tis true,
Dear Friend, I wish that you could sometimes see things as we do.

Happy ... New ... Year

2008-01-01T14:21:00.001Z

Happy New Year!

I've been thinking about what are probably the three words in the English language used most often today.

Happy - Our aim for the coming weeks and months.

New - Time and opportunity for a fresh start

Year - A period of time.

As we look at our friendships and relationships this year let's think about making them happy for all parties concerned, let's look at how we can develop and improve them (even if that means saying, enough is enough) and let's start today but look forward to the fruit of our decisions and actions over the whole year.

I know it's not always simple or easy, and frequent review may be necessary but I'm thankful that I have now, and will have through this year, new chances to make new starts!

TWENTY-20

I'd never have done it that way
If I knew what I know now.
Or asked such stupid questions,
If you had shown me how.

We'd have arrived much sooner,
If I had known the way.
And we'd still be together
If I'd thrown my pride away.

Our lives would be so different,
If only I had seen,
The way that God was leading
Is not where we have been.

"What?" and "If" and "Maybe"
Are easy when its done.
But they're decisions to be taken
When you're on the run.

With hindsight its so easy,
You know where you went wrong;
You see the steps you've taken
As you have gone along.

But life is one long journey.
We need to count the cost.
Experience is learned from good and bad,
Without it we'd be lost.

Whatever Happened to the Dreamers?

2007-12-26T15:40:00.001Z

So goes the title of one of the most haunting songs of 2006. Jack Savoretti sings of dreams lost, the decline of true visionaries ... and the hole that leaves in our world.

For many of us, our dreaming was snuffed-out at school or in education...

'Stop dreaming boy!'

'If you don't stop dreaming and get on with your work you'll be no-one; get nowhere!'

'Get real!'

'What good is it if I can't touch it?'

'In your dreams!'

And yet, more recent discoveries show the important of dreaming in our creativity ... and it also shows the paucity and severe crisis in business and education because the creatives just aren't there any longer. Intelligence isn't just about answering questions that are posed ... sometimes it's about looking beyond those questions to the root of the problem, making connections that weren't otherwise there, being creative, dreaming a little, from which the true life-changing solutions arise.

A good friend with whom I worked for a number of years had come into the Pharmaceutical Industry from being a professional dancer and lighting engineer: one of the rare people who worked both sides of the stage. Her ideas flowed like water and it wasn't long before she'd established links with doctors that had previously been unreachable. Sales started to increase BUT this wasn't the way our company worked! She was told to stick to our tried and tested methods. Eventually she left and started working for another company who allowed her to use her dreaming and creativity ... and surprise, surprise ... she's been the top sales representative consistently throughout 2007.

Suppressing dreams is not only fatal to our own development and fulfilment, it is also death to our businesses and society as a whole.

Thankfully, there is a re-converging of the arts and the sciences ... a broadening of the definition of intelligence, a broadening of co-operative projects where both fields benefit.

And what is the source of this Renaissance?

A resurrection of the dreamers!

I often wonder what would have happened if I'd followed my inclinations to dream. What would have been the impact on me, my family, my friends, my business, my self-perception, my insecurity .. my life.

Never give-up dreaming. Dream against the odds. Bring about change. Challenge the boundaries and see the changes!

Here are a few personal thoughts on dreaming ...

DARE TO DREAM

What would happen if we dared to dream;
If we dared to take God at His word;
Dared to hear His inner voice,
Often talked about, but seldom heard?

What would happen if we dared to dream;
Re-visit the visions laid dormant so long;
Dared to give space for each other to grow,
Rather than worrying about what may go wrong?

What would happen if we dared to dream;
Gave God space in our world every day;
Dared to live-out our faith with our friends;
Got our hands dirty; showed them a new way.

What would happen if we dared to dream;
That the world could be different, not as it is now?
It can! But it must start with you and with me,
Dreams will become reality, as God's love we show.

Dr Who - Boxing Day?

2007-12-26T09:45:00.001Z

I was sitting enjoying the Christmas special of Dr Who: Voyage of the Damned on the BBC last night. The Doctor was orbiting the earth on a cruise spaceship called The Titanic. People on this cruise were able to beam down to London, Earth, which was deserted (apart from the Queen and a newspaper seller) after last year's alien invasion.

(Quick aside ...Kylie Minogue also starred in the episode and no doubt many men were deeply envious of David Tennant (playing the Doctor) as he got a couple of opportunities to engage in an old custom i.e., kissing Kylie!)

Anyway, back to the storyline ... the guide for those visiting the planet was explaining some of the customs of Earth that he'd read about, fort this time they called Christmas ... a violent time when the race called people hunted, killed and ate the turkey people for dinner, and then the day after engaged in a violent sport called boxing, ...

... and at that point my mind started churning and musing.

I started thinking about how often I look at familiar or unfamiliar things; friendships, relationships, events etc and think I know about them, when in fact I am just like that guide: I'm miles off! Sometimes I can recover from my ignorance, but sadly, all too often my judgements have involved people with whom I had a friendship or relationship, and with disastrous consequences. I have listened to the here-say of others or what I've read in the papers etc and made a judgement based on these rather than finding out for myself. And in so-doing, I have hurt others and myself ... despite best intentions ... sometimes irreversibly.

I think at this time of year about my parents, both dead now. My father died just after Christmas in the mid 1980s and my mother on May Day in 2000. I was with them both as they passed away ... but particularly this year I miss them very much. I am acutely aware of what they invested in me (despite their faults and failings) and I feel a real sense of loss, yet also a real sense of gratitude that I was in the position of having parents who cared.

At this time of year I also think about the Christmas story ... about a God who loved his world so much that he was prepared to come and live amongst us as a human. And I think about how many people think they know the story, yet are miles out. And I think about all those people for whom the story is nothing more than a fable, soft and warm and fluffy, with no relevance today. And I think about his love that still makes it possible for me to survive my emotional turmoil, my mood swings, my highs and depressions because despite all of my rubbish, his love just keeps coming towards me. Nothing can stop it. It is unconditional (i.e., no strings attached).

I am grateful that I can enjoy a relationship with God through Jesus which confirms my value (I am one of the best at feeling undervalued!), which allows me to fail and yet is still waiting for me when I decide to return, and which celebrates with me in my good times and successes. As it says in His manual for life, 'Nothing can separate us from the Love of God.'

So, I hope that no matter how you feel this Christmas, you can take encouragement that God has no favourites and is there for each and every one of us ... and that fortunately, his dependability doesn't depend on us.

Here are a few thoughts on the subject ...

ALL THINGS TO ALL MEN

God's love becomes a pillow
To catch us when we fall.
God's love becomes a ladder
To help us over the wall.
God's love spreads like a blanket,
Protecting; safe; secure.
God's love, like fresh white driven snow
Is even, deep and pure.

God's love is our anchor,
Firm when the tempests rage.
God's love is a strong and solid rock
Which never changes with age.
God's love is a prickly thorn bush;
Close encounters can cause us pain.
God's love is a mighty waterfall;
Washing us again and again.

God's love is God's love,
To which our love cannot compare.
We need to take the risk,
Make sure it's God's love that we share.
Yes, God's love is God's love,
To which nothing can compare.
Unending; unchanging; unconditional.
This is the love we must share.

If you like this poem there are more thoughts and poems in my book 'Friendship is a Verb (in a hurting world)'

Christmas Day Celebrations

2007-12-25T09:18:00.001Z

Happy Christmas. I'll start today with a short post of a poem written by my daughter when she was 9-years-old and which for her summed-up Christmas.

Christmas Day Celebrations

Christmas tree, such a lovely colour green,
The pot that it sits in, coloured a dark, rich cream.
Your baubles shine oh! so bright;
Your glamour and lights fight the dark night.
Looking after presents until Christmas day,
Standing so tall your own regal way.
The tinsel all different colours for decorations,
Enjoy every second of the Christmas celebrations.
Your tree trunk, the colour of dark fields,
And your star shines with the light of bronze shields.
The fake snow, which is really cotton wool
Covers your branches, to stop you looking dull.
Then Christmas day is clothed in snow,
And Jesus Christ was born, we know
He was laid in a manger, with no Christmas tree,
Born on this earth for you and for me

Happy Christmas - Thorns & Straw

2007-12-24T15:14:00.001Z

I love this time of year.

Sure, too many of us get caught up in the stress of presents, meals, latest gadgets, keeping up with the neighbours etc, but I always try to find somewhere quiet and think about what it is exactly that we celebrate.

I think about the amazing way in which God took time to visit us. Not only that, He didn't do it in the expected way ... you know, flashing lights, palace, royal family etc. He came to two unkowns, unnoticed amongst the hustle and bustle of people struggling to find somewhere to stay as they obeyed the decree of the emperor to return to their home town for a census.

And who got the news first? A bunch of renowned cheaters and thieves looking after their sheep ... and a bunch of obscure Eastern mystics who then took nearly 3 years to find the baby (now a boy).

And in the centre of this is a message that none of us is too insignificant to be missed by God, and each has the chance to bring what we have to Him and say 'Thank You!'.

Here are a few thoughts of my own on the first Christmas ... have a peaceful and blessed time this Christmas.

THORNS AND STRAW

A back street stable in a crowded town.
Anguished screams; an occasional moan
Go unheard in the noise of a night
Of hustle and bustle, and rooms packed tight
With people, so busy and unaware
That a virgin's sweat means God is here.

No warm, cosy glow; only candle-lit straw.
A manger and oxen and filth on the floor.
No sweet smelling incense or soft comfy chair,
But cold stone walls; acrid smells in the air;
And the breath of animals to supply the heat,
In this hole in the rock on an unnamed street.

But God's not ignored the place that He's chosen
To visit as a baby, when the night air's frozen.
He treats some shepherds, the lowest of the low,
To front seat tickets at the greatest light show;
And singing and music like they've never heard before,
Which leaves them face down, shaking on the floor.

"Get up! Rejoice! For your king is here!
Run to the town and worship Him there.
Not in the palace so lofty and tall,
But lying in a stable, accessible to all.
So go! Take gifts and sing and feast,
For the mightiest God, has come down for the least."

And in palaces and castles hundreds of miles away,
A country's elite, at the end of the day
Study changes in the stars and heavens which bring
News, that on earth is born a king.
A king so great that creation bows down,
And brings its own offering, unseen in the town.

Their journey is long and filled with pain,
Across scorching deserts and rugged terrain.
As days turn to months and months to years;
Following the bright star whenever it appears.
Then rejoicing and thanks when at last they find
A small boy, just walking; the Lord of mankind.

With regal bows and language unknown,
They offer their gifts to Mary's son.
Gold, incense and myrrh; "What can I believe?"
His mother wonders as the visitors leave
To journey back east, their hearts on fire.
They've seen and worshipped the true Messiah.

And as years roll on by and the crowd's anger grows,
In reaction to this radical who constantly shows
That God has no favourites; our rules don't apply
To the values of heaven. "Crucify!" they now cry,
So He's crowned and beaten and then nailed to a tree;
This King, Priest and Sacrifice; thorns and straw set us free.