Reflections on Life

How is it we can use up 300 texts in a month, but rarely speak to others?

How come we spend more time on our mobile 'phone than talking to our family?

Why can we not sit and listen to others without texting, listening to our iPod or listening to music?

I think the answers may be fairly simple ...

• we've lost the ability to interact with others because we spend so much time in our own little world
• our current relationships with others have been shaped by damaged relationships from the past
• we're afraid of rejection or perhaps we've simply never experienced the fulfilment of a meaningful relationship

Listening to the radio recently I heard someone say on a 'phone-in, "Sex isn't about relationship any more; it's about enjoyment."

Hello! If sex isn't about relationship then can we find a tree and get the same enjoyment? If we can then surely we've missed the point.

Do we want pleasure and benefits without commitment, responsibility or effort? ... swipe the card in the slot and out pops a commodity, complete and ready for consumption.

Sadly, the people who live this way also seem to die the same way ... alone.

Humans are separated from other species through the possession of emotions and need for relationships. Take those away, and we create a vacuum which draws just about anything else in, except what we need. Rather like a jigsaw with a piece missing; we try every piece we can except the one designed to fit in the space. No matter how 'almost complete' the picture is, it never is fully complete.

Relationships are a bit like a dynamo ... the more effort we put in, the more we get out. However, better than that, they are like pairing up horses ... one shire horse can pull a 1 ton load whilst two shire horses can pull 7 tons ... the size of the outcome is greater than the sum of the individual parts.

So are we prepared to put up with incomplete jigsaws, or are we prepared to develop friendships and relationships, despite potential risks and costs to us, so that we can enjoy a quality of existence beyond what we can imagine.

C'est la vie ... or ... J'aime la vie?

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

'Oh! I've known you for ages. I don't think it's my job to tell you when you've done something well ... just when you need to improve'

So ended a conversation with someone I'd known for years ... and it hurt ... and it set me thinking!

I see many people, especially young people/young adults with a desperate need to be affirmed, noticed, respected (in the true sense) and encouraged. They have many 'friends' whom they have known for a long time, but somehow the familiarity has also put scales on the eyes of friends, so that they no longer encourage or feed positives into their life ... only a destructive neutrality.

And yet I am just as guilty as my friend for either prejudging (appearance, comments from other people etc) or just looking for things I can improve in them, whilst missing the core values and reasons why they are my friend in the first place. What should be a relationship becomes a monologue: I forget their needs and aim to fulfil my wants.

I remember friends at school who were devastated when they had tried their hardest and yet weren't quite good enough because the standard of their work didn't compare to the standard of work submitted by other members of the class. Rather than being helped and encouraged, they were targetted by teachers and fellow pupils; they were the butt end of jokes; they were labelled 'thick', 'stupid', 'dunces' (and worse) ... and I was right there with the crowd taunting them!!


What effect did this have on the individuals concerned?

They responded in a number of ways. They became:

Discouraged ... they perceived themselves as not good enough.
Demotivated ... their enthusiasm and interest declined and not surprisingly, their marks got worse
Disillusioned ... long-term, some of my friends gave up in that subject
Some became Disenfranchised from the education system ... they continually got into trouble with teachers, pupils and in some cases the law, and very sadly, some lost hope.

But thankfully, some became very successful people, running their own business and enjoying life.


So what happened to buck the trend?

In most cases there was either an individual who took interest in them, coached and encouraged them, hung in there and made a difference. In other cases the inner drive of these people to prove to themselves that they had value and could succeed was so strong that they drove themselves to achieve what they had been told could never happen.

I hear sad stories about people like Robbie Williams and Mick Hucknall, two high profile, talented personalities in the music world who were told by teachers at school, 'You will never amount to anything.' Ouch! Wouldn't it have been so much better if their talents had been spotted, encouraged and nurtured so that they could reach and enjoy their success without so many hangups and low self image.

As we look to cultivate relationships with others we should 'earn the right' to their friendship by building trust and demonstrating that we are worth having as a friend. And once we have built these friendships and relationships, it is the responsibility of each of us to accentuate the positive rather than highlight the negative or, equally as destructive, make no comment at all.

I believe that by applying these principles to our relationships, in all areas of life, we will benefit, our friends will benefit and those around us will benefit.